Raising a Butterfly 40

My hands need this just like my fool heart.

40

You changed my life, my mind transformed into love. Love the person I´m.
How weird it is to spend all your life wanting to vanish, and one day You just want to live and be happy, and the reason it´s easy "Because You desserve to be happy!"

Manny I have lost over the years, blessed was I to have them in my life.

I already knew that I didn´t knew how to deal with loss. But somehow, sometimes we find ways to escape from what causes us pain, I found work, to my limit. Being focus on the work we lose other small things that life is made of. Like a dinner with a friend, a laught that comes from something stupid, one hug that was not given, love that passes you by, but you just don´t see, because you are blind to something else.
I loved and still love the ones I worked with, I learned with, what a team we made. Dreams are possible.
Some work and don´t make friends, I cannot live side by side without having my heart working, sure I have friends at work, sure there´s some that we love more than others, is it wrong to take care of them, to worry about them? I don´t think so; but I´m an emotional silly woman, with na old soul but a childest heart.
All of this is sometimes enough to keep you going to raise up and go.
But life doesn´t need us in a confortable place, or we don´t grow. If your escape is falling, you will fall over with it.
So I did…
Holding tears for years, realising that all of those tears were fear of losing the ones you love, and the fear of losing one in every year, and in the back of the mind there´s this litle presure saying "Who will be this year?" that torments the mind, the soul and the body. My God why do they go?
One day you just colapse on the right place, with the right person, thanks Ana A..

I´m healing and learning to value who I am. And this is not something stupid, it´s a serious transformation, where you began with 0% of self; and it starts to grow; it´s the eyes of others that sometimes make yours see yourself. Just one sentence on every week pull me up to the middle of self love, and thats incridible. One stranger can pull your soul like noone does. Thank you girl I won you love.

Today its like a cleaning post, a self center post, the most personal one, without running, or faking, this is the cruel me typing.

I look back and I can´t see where did my dreams went, where did all I had to give fall, how manny dreams I killed, how much of me was killed with it?

20 Years ago I was lost on a very dark oul.
I am not in that oul, but also I´m lost on a crossroad, of dutty and life.
The girl that had no dreams is raising, and she is starting to bring them out, how to make them real?
Love gives us the streght, the right vibe to go, but where are the skills that were not trained?
I´m lost and calm, have no idea where to go, but I need to go, somewhere where creation belongs.

Old love came from 20 years ago, it may be the best lie, it could be the best surprise, it could be heaven.
All I know is the ilusion of love, all I know is that I still love that love from ages ago. Also need this to heal.

And let me be honest 40 and with no kids (but with a very cute kitty) in the end it sucks, there I have said it. Some born to have it, others have it in them but wont get it… No need to say more.

Make peace with family, they all have issues but there´s no need to carry them around, it´s like going out with trash, forgive them, and forgive yourself for that choice.

When you learn to see your value, you can´t go back and pretend you don´t have it.  ;)

Blessed be my love...